Thursday, January 31, 2008

Now Let Us Speak of the Penis

I appreciate that my readers are a mature and sophisticated crowd, so I am sure there won't be any immature tittering when I announce that the topic of todays blog:

The Penis.

I heard there is a play called The Vagina Monologues. Since I don't know what it is about, I will leap to the conclusion it is about a talking vagina. If it was a musical, I would assume it was about a singing vagina but as far as I know, there is no music in that show.

I don't believe there are any shows about talking penises, although I did once see a musical called Naked Boys Singing. It was about these naked boys. And they kept singing.

I also saw a DVD of a show called Puppetry of the Penis.

All I can say is, don't try this at home! Take my word for it...

I get a lot of mail about the penis. Well, not just any penis, but specifically mail about products that will allegedly improve my penis. I am not sure why these mailings get sent to me.

I am told cookies placed in certain websites will trigger certain emails. Buying certain products by snail mail will put you on the mailing list of other products involving certain regions of the body.

I am reasonably certain these mailings are somewhat random and not because someone from my past has filed a formal complaint. At least that is what I tell myself.

Randomness would also account for the mailings that promise me creams which will enlarge my breasts--a project, by the way, which I have no desire to undertake.

Some of these penis related mailings promise to enlarge the penis--sometimes with a pill, sometimes a cream. More frighteningly, sometimes there are devices involved. Scary looking devices. I wouldn't put the tip of my index finger inside some of those contraptions, much less another more delicate appendage.

I received something via U.S. Mail recently that both amused and astounded. If I may, let me quote the brochure:

Now! Instant Hard-Ons On Command Every Time You Want One! Yes! Huge, Rock-Hard Erections 4, 5, 6, Times A Night No Matter How Many Times You Come! (up to 6 times a night!)

I don't know about you but that pitch left me in dire need of a cigarette and a nap.

The brochure goes on to promise that this product Makes every love-making session a sexual marathon!

Again, I am getting a little winded.

The brochure goes on: Great for Women Too! Turns Her On, Turns Her Up. Turns Her Into A Sex Hungry Tigress of the Boudoir!

To which I reply, you go, girl!

Besides excessive use of the exclamation mark and some serious capitalization issues, the thing that struck me the most is the way this product is delivered. It is packaged like, and is ingested just the same way as, a Listerine Breath Strip. You pop open the little plastic container; slip it on your tongue and it melts in seconds. The brochure promises, Not only will this great formula help super size your erection, it will also freshen up your breath with the great taste of cinnamon.

Wow. Rock hard erections AND cinnamon breath. No one will be able to resist my charms now.

Which lead me to a wicked thought; wouldnt it be fun to switch this product with somebody's real Listerine Breath Strips? Like, maybe somebody at work who was about to make a big presentation to a bunch of executives?

It made me think it could be like an episode of Bewitched if Bewitched had been a little dirtier:

Poor Darren has an erection that won't go away. He has a permanent tent in his suit pants and Larry Tate is about to blow a gasket because Darren has to make a pitch to a big client. I can see Endora hovering nearby, chortling, "Durwood has a woody!" while Samantha sighs with exasperation. Uncle Arthur pops in, "I think I can take care of that for you," he says to Darren. "What?" Darren asks desperately, "You've got a spell?" Uncle Arthur chuckles with a leer, "Who said anything about a spell?!"

Please don't misunderstand, I am not making light of erectile dysfunction. I am sure it can be quite heart breaking. I just don't think cinnamon breath strips are the most viable solution.

I don't know how many times I've seen this in movies and TV shows (but not in real life, thank God!)--a man and his partner (usually a woman) are in bed together.

The man looks distressed. Something like, 'someone just ran your puppy through a blender' distressed. The partner either looks annoyed or excessively sympathetic.

The man whines (in that way only men can whine) "This has never happened before!!" And the partner, even the annoyed looking partner, says something along the lines of, "Gee, thats OK. Don't worry about it."

I think the more appropriate response would be, "OK. This never happened before. I understand. But for your information, this sort of thing does happen to most males at some point in their lives. Meanwhile our good time has turned into your pity party. Why don't you use your imagination and figure out an alternative plan here?"

No one ever does that, but I think they should.

As the great '80s gay singing duo Romanovsky and Phillips sang:

Penises are cute

But they're not logical

The have no IQ.

Don't let them make decisions for you!

To that I add, when the little head isn't doing the job, use your imagination!

But back to the breath strips.

I have some serious concerns about this product.

After a while don't you think the flavor of cinnamon might become hardwired in your brain and become synonymous with erection? That seems possible. Someone offers you a stick of Big Red and then pop! Instant erection.

That could be inconvenient. For example, I understand a lot of people chew Big Red in church.

On the other hand, maybe love making isn't going so well and your partner turns to you and says, "Is there anything I can do?" "Yeah, babe," you reply, "Do you have any Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal?"

So there could be an up side too.

My biggest concern is, even if the cinnamon hard-on breath strip is THE GREATEST VIRILITY BREAKTHROUGH EVER ACHIEVED BY MEDICAL SCIENCE, I'm worried that if I am with someone who smells a bit too much of cinnamon, I might be tempted to forget the whole sex thing and run to the mall for a Cinnabon.

I seriously need to stay away from Cinnabons. I start eating one of those and I just can't stop.

Some things are just plain addictive.